Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
