She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
