im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
