No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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