is your mom at the bar?
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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