Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
