My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
