Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
