i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
