Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
