I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
