I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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