Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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