dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
