I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
