I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
