i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
