Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
