i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
