My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
