I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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