Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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