Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have already put on my inside pants.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
