Can i not drive my cunt home
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
