My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
