hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
