we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
