At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
