I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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