Whod you bang
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
