I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
