Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
