Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So squirting runs in the family.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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