TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
