i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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