i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
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Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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