I'm gonna have a badass scar
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
