Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
