that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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