The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
