I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
