I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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