I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
