just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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