when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
