is your mom at the bar?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
