dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
