Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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