made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
