Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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