I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
