i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
