my vag is so smooth its legendary
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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