Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
