So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
