and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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