Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
